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Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds” (John 12:24, NIV).
“Is this what it’s like to be a grain of wheat that falls to the ground and dies?” I penned in my journal. Tears streamed down my face as they landed onto my shaking hands. I’d just received the 18th and 19th rejection from my agent for a writing project I’d poured my entire being into. And yet, the words I heard in my mind broke me to my core:
You’re not enough.
You’re not famous.
Platform. Platform. Platform.
You’ll never be like her.
You’ll never be enough.
Just throw in the towel.
Give up on traditional publishing.
Give up on your dreams.
Just accept defeat.
You are a failure.
As my body began to shake, my spirit prayed with groanings I did not understand (Romans 8:26). I couldn’t even get words out between the ugly sobs and dirty tissues used to clean my mess. And a mess is exactly how I felt. The more I tried to think about the situation, the less I could make sense of it and process it. Can you relate?
In John 12, Jesus is anointed in Bethany. While this foreshadows His crucifixion, Jesus first comes to Jerusalem as King. Reading the story today sickens me. Why? Because those who cried out “Hosanna” would soon scream “Crucify Him.” But Jesus wasn’t surprised. He knew exactly what was going to happen to Him, and this is why John quotes verse 24 this way:
“Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds” (NIV).