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Spontaneity. A word the dictionary defines as “the condition of being spontaneous; spontaneous behavior or action.”

Unknown. A word the dictionary defines as “not known or familiar.”

Two different words, one of which I love and the other I abhor. At their root origin, however, are they unrelated? 

It’s a paradox of sorts when a twenty-four-year-old woman enjoys the art and craft of mystery (spontaneity), but fears unfamiliar circumstances (unknown). One would think that the two go hand-in-hand, and maybe they do, yet how can one cause joy and the other havoc? 

After I went to Canada in 2018, God freed my OCD heart and replaced it with this love for all things spontaneous. I fought Him tooth and nail, but at the end of the day, the unknown, which I cannot control, still scares me. Spontaneity excites me, while the unknown strikes impeccable fear. How can two synonymous words cause such strife and conflict? Perhaps because I haven’t learned to live with what makes me uncomfortable.

Let me explain.

A random road trip my best friend asks me to go on at the last minute? All game.

A date my boyfriend planned and didn’t tell me the details excites me like nothing else.

When my mom asks what I want for dinner, I tell her to surprise me and anticipate the results.

In searching for jobs and my next steps, I gleam at the endless opportunities that I am made for more than my degree enables me or my imagination dreams. 

However, my enthusiasm is less than appealing or whetting to the tongue when it comes to more serious decisions. 

Learning how to find a job during the COVID-19 pandemic with benefits, insurance, and something that fulfills my passions is stressful. The spontaneity is not enjoyed but wondered when in the world it will be over.

Analyzing if my relationship will someday equal marriage or a breakup leaves me realizing how little I have control. 

Swimming in a pool of anxious thoughts, depressing waves of fatigue, and crippling pain doesn’t anticipate healing but mocks the unknown of being healthy, normal, or pain-free again.

As I get older, the more I long to live for Heaven rather than Earth. I look forward to the day when my mind works how it should, and I don’t have to overthink every minuscule detail that passes by my brain. I am eager for the time when sorrow, pain, anguish, heartbreak, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, suicide, you name the struggle, has to bow at the name of Jesus, and ceases to exist. I anticipate the longing in my soul to feel joy, freedom, passion, and certainty again. My heart hurts for me, and my heart aches for you who struggle. 

But until that day comes, I am told to rest in the uncertainty and find a place of certainty in He who is sure. To wait in the area of waiting and rid the waiting room fears. I am told to embrace the unknown with open arms like the biggest hug I get from my boyfriend but embrace it with the confidence of Christ’s arms holding me together. I am encouraged to run recklessly with a life lived for others, for in that, I too will be satisfied

Matthew 6:33-34 tells us to seek His kingdom and His righteousness first, and then all things will be added to us as well. In doing these things, we should not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worry of its own. Each day has enough sorrow for that day, and we don’t need to add to it!

Even amid the unknown, I’m running to my greatest love, and no, I don’t mean my boyfriend. I mean Jesus Christ, the author, and perfector of life who not only embraces all of my uncertainties but is the greatest mystery Himself to ever live on the face of this earth.

1 Timothy 3:16 quotes this well in Paul’s advice to Timothy during an unprecedented time of ambiguities. “Beyond all question, the mystery from which true godliness springs is great: He appeared in the flesh, was vindicated by the Spirit, was seen by angels, was preached among the nations, was believed on in the world, was taken up in glory” (1 Timothy 3:16, NIV). 

I may not have mastered the art of loving spontaneity and the unknown at the same time, but I am learning to leave my fears in the hands of the best mystery of all time. Jesus’ story of suspense, mystery, and spontaneity is one thing I am not fearful of, and His story is the best mystery of godliness that encourages us to become like Him. 

I’m learning to be more in love with the unknowns of my story, knowing that He (Jesus Christ), who is known by me, will inevitably lead me in the greatest mystery of His story.