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I went to the altar this past Sunday. And if you know anything about me, you know this is a big deal. As the Pastor continued preaching His message and the worship team sang into the second verse, I knew the conviction was pointed straight at me. I believe most of us have felt this way at some point. Convinced the sermon was created just for us—but God has a sense of humor. So with shaking hands, a beating heart (I swore everyone else could hear), and trembling legs, I stood up and walked to the front.
Our Church has been going through a series on Jesus’ Great I Am statements. For example, Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. But this week, the focus was on the great parallel between Jesus’ departure from His Disciples and Thomas’s questions and doubts. Near the end of the sermon, we learned that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, but sometimes we get so caught up in figuring out exactly what that looks like in our lives that we miss Jesus Himself.
We get so focused on getting an answer or insight that we forget about being with Him. Abiding in His presence. Being with the Way, the Truth, the Life, Himself, because the Way, the Truth, and the Life is a person, not a destination or career path to figure out. Because the answer, the destination, the insight, is Him. And I have to ask you, just like our Pastor asked each of us: Do you want the blessing, the outcome, or the answer, or do you just want Him?
Do You Want the Answer or Him?
Since May of 2024, I’ve been writing full-time as an author. Although I was called to this job at just 14 years old, it wasn’t until nearly 2 years ago that I was able to begin pursuing this calling. Over the last two years, I’ve experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows. I signed with an agent on the spot, had my writing featured on large platforms, and attended dozens of writing conferences. But when the project we thought for sure would succeed received 26 rejections because of not being “famous enough,” I grew discouraged. Not just because of the rejections, but because I’d “almost” had a contract 6 times.
As any good author should, I then pivoted. I pitched an entirely different project and had high hopes that this would be the one. Months later, I was told again, “You’re not famous enough.” Digging my heels in, I revamped two projects and created a third. Just a few weeks ago, my agent sent out the new project, and today I write knowing my proposal will go to the final publishing board meeting tomorrow. It’s gained incredible interest from some huge publishers, but on the inside, I’m fighting this tension:
What if they tell me I’m still not famous enough?
What if I get rejection number 27?
What if it never happens?
What if I never become traditionally published?
When will God answer my prayers?
When I heard my Pastor ask if we want the blessing, the outcome, the answer, or God, I immediately felt convicted. Because over the last 12-24 months, I’ve wanted nothing more than to be traditionally published. To be all God has called me to be. To fulfill or start fulfilling the dream He gave 14-year-old Amber. And those things aren’t inherently wrong. We should want to fulfill the desires and calling God has given us.
But the reason I went to that altar was that I knew I needed to lay it down. The desire to be traditionally published. The desire to be in control. The desire to know the next best step. The desire to know my future and have it mapped out before me. The desire for a book contract outweighing my desire for God Himself.