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“The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief” (Mark 9:24, NLT)!
The moon was just beginning to cast shadows on the night sky when I felt defeat in my heart. It had been 6 months since my last panic attack, but in an instant, I was rocking back and forth on the floor fighting off the next one. Shallow breathing, a rapid pulse, and a quivering body made it hard to catch my breath. To think straight. To make the situation stop.
Shaking my head from side to side, I pleaded with God. I begged him to take away the impending doom. To control the uncontrollable shaking arising from within. I asked him to comfort me. I asked him to help me breathe. And then I asked him, “Why?” Between doubt and faith, I cried for a solid hour. Because I knew He could heal me like He’s healed others. But I felt nothing. Empty. Broken. Shattered. Alone.
Today, I still know and believe that in an instant God could take my suffering away. I’m still praying that someday He will. But, I have yet to fully comprehend why some are healed and others aren’t. It’s still a mystery to me why many prayers are answered “no, and not yet,” but fewer are answered, “yes, and now”. I’ve seen miracles in my life and the lives of others, but when it comes to mental health struggles, my thorn often remains.
