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Photo by Raphael Brasileiro on

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I have another confession to make. 

One that’s real, and raw, and deep. 

It gnaws at me to split open my heart, but still, something small within me often holds me back. 

I don’t know the last time I was happy. 

And by happy, I don’t mean temporary smiles for a slight period. 

Perhaps the word I am looking for is joy

I don’t remember the last time I had pure and authentic joy. 

Not just a feeling of being “happy,” but something lasting and beyond. 

My circumstances. 

My health. 

My mental state. 

My anxiety.

My depression. 

And quite frankly, I haven’t felt like myself for the last four to five years. 

Joy eludes me. 

It’s a best friend I used to have, but have felt no longer. 

She moved away, and I don’t know why.

Oh, Lord, how can I find her again?

How can I find someone lost within me?

Are you still here?

Is anyone home?

I know that your spirit is within me, but where did you go?