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I was 14 the first time I looked in the mirror and wished I didn’t have to grow up. With glistening eyes and a tear-stained face, I vowed that I had control over my life and would do anything I could to prevent it. What started as a simple thought, however, then dictated my life for 7 years.

The things I thought I had control over, quickly became those which I needed to release authority. Because in a mere few years, I no longer recognized the girl who was “scared to grow up,” yet wished she’d lived in the presence of being a kid. A girl who wished she’d had fun as a teen instead of allowing intrusive thoughts and behaviors fill her Spirit. For if there is one thing I regret most, it is the power I allowed my mind to have when, in reality, Christ has it.

In my heart, I thought nothing was wrong. I felt in control, and when I felt in control, I was happy. Until my mom moved a pillow, or I couldn’t work out, or I didn’t eat enough. I didn’t realize that even when I possessed control, I still lacked the majority of it.

Proverbs 16:9 remarks, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps” (Proverbs 16:9, ESV) and what a true statement. 

As I grew, I was inevitable to the fact that I would mature, and time would quickly pass. I did not understand the repercussions of my actions until their life-long consequences surrounded me. It was not until I broke my foot at 21 and attended a camp at 22, that God set me free, and removed my “powerful” thinking (because we all know I was “powerless”). 

In 1 John 3:20, John reminds us that even if our hearts condemn us, “God is greater than our heart(s), and He knows everything” (1 John 3:20, ESV).

At 14, I vowed I had control, but at 21, I released it to the one who had control all along. I do not know what you’re grasping for today, but if it is anything other than Jesus, it will always leave you feeling less fulfilled than when you first came for a cool drink of its deceptive appearance. 

Agape, Amber

*See Daughter of Delight for original publication*