This Isn’t The End

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“I’m so blessed, I’m so blessed, got this heartbeat in my chest
No, it doesn’t matter about the rest, If I got You Lord, I’m so blessed
(Hey) I’m so blessed, I’m so blessed, Got this heartbeat in my chest
No, it doesn’t matter about the rest (Let’s go), If I got You Lord, I’m so blessed”(CAIN, Best Days Remix).

Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits…” (Psalm 103:1–2, NIV)


The temperature outside my window soars past 105, but I don’t mind. The heat has never bothered me, but the cold is another story. And yet, something within me shudders. This hasn’t been an ordinary week.


I don’t know if I’m getting to that age, or maybe I’m just becoming more aware of my surroundings, but this life seems so unfair. Cut short for many. Temporary and fleeting at best. Here one moment and gone the next at worst. Bad things happen to good people, and though I still know and believe God is good, it’s hard to process.


On Facebook, pregnancy announcements, marriages, and engagements fill half my feed. The other contains deaths, tragedies, natural disasters, and disappearances. I suppose life has always been this way. When it hits closer to home, however, it stops us in our tracks. We’re left questioning and confused. Heartbroken and pleading. A little voice in the back of our minds wonders if we’ll be next.
A close friend was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer this week. Another has been suffering from brain bleeds and strokes. One from a few years back just found a growing cyst in her stomach. The list seems exhaustive. 


Back home, my dad is still battling chronic pain. Pain he’s felt every day with little relief for the last 15 years. My grandma is still grieving the loss of her husband, though it’s been only a few months. I think we’re all still grieving his presence.


The birthday of the half-brother I lost to an overdose reminds me that the wound is still healing. Another life taken too soon.


In my house, I’m still learning to manage endometriosis, mold, and IBS, on top of daily anxiety and depression. I’m wrestling with questions about my marriage and career. I find myself confused most days.

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