Your Struggles Don’t Define Your Parenting
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Even though I’m not a parent, a lot of parents often reach out to me for mental health advice for their children. While I’m not a mental health professional, I suspect this is because I taught High School English for five years. I’ve never birthed any children, but I’ve worked with over 2,000 in the last six years.
This week’s question comes from one of my heartfelt readers, wondering if their mental health struggles mean they’re unworthy to be a parent. I can’t relate to being a parent, but I can relate to feeling like I need to “fix” myself before I do XYZ. For some of you, these thoughts sound like this: “I can’t have kids because I might pass on my trauma,” or “I can’t have kids because I feel guilty for not fixing my anxiety yet.” For others of you, these voices might sound more like: “I need to live perfectly before I think of mentoring,” or “I can’t serve my church or community because I’ve made too many mistakes.”
If any of these questions resonate wth you, I want you to know that you’re not too far gone, and you certainly don’t need to “fix yourself” to do any of these things. Rather, the Gospel covers us; vulnerability can be your greatest strength, and perfection is not required to do good for the Kingdom of God.
The Gospel Covers Your Parenting
First and foremost, parenting, or any other act of serving others in the Kingdom, is not about perfection but your dependence on Christ. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Paul describes this well in explaining his struggles and personal weaknesses. Though he feels weak, it’s actually these imperfections that allow Christ and His power to shine the brightest through Paul:
“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:8-10, NIV).
As a teacher, I think, indeed, kids don’t need perfect parents; they need parents who are growing, repentant, and pointing them to Jesus. I saw a lot of broken families—homes without a mom, dad, or both. Homes filled with anger, violence, and despair. Homes broken from the shards of drugs, alcohol, and numerous health issues. But I saw these things through the lens of the kids.
I wasn’t the perfect teacher, and I never will be. I made mistakes often. But I tried to lead by example as a teacher or parent should. If you’re a parent reading this, I want you to know that your kids need you. They need your presence and hope on hard days. They need you to seek to understand their struggles, not judge them. They need you to come to them as you are if you expect them to do the same.
Yes, parents need to be mature. Yes, the relationship parents have with kids should have authority and rules involved. But if you’re scared to make mistakes, you’ve missed the point. We’ve all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). That means that no matter how great a parent you are or aren’t, you’re going to make mistakes. So are your children. That’s okay—that’s how we learn, grow, adapt, and move on.