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In the spring of 2018, I faced an ultimatum: surrender to God or keep going my own way. For decades, I’d desired to be in a romantic relationship. I’d cried on my floor, prayed until my knuckles were raw, and pleaded to the Lord over and over again. But year after year, crush after crush, my hopes and dreams were diminished. Until the day I finally laid it all down.
“I think the Lord wants you to surrender your relationship status to Him fully,” my friend said. Her eyes were hopeful, but her heart was weary. She’d watched me pine away, guy after guy, just waiting for someone to like me back. She was always the one to help me pick the broken pieces of my heart up and put them back together. But I knew she was right. If I truly trusted God, I had to surrender it fully to Him. Not just in my head, but in my heart.
On a warm evening in April, that’s exactly what I did. I poured out myself before the Lord and wrestled with this defining moment. There was one question I didn’t want to face but had to: If God wanted me to be single the rest of my life, I had to be okay with that. I had to trust that He knew best.
Today, I’m thankful that God answered those prayers and saw my heart. He knew my desire to be in a relationship, and delivered exactly as He promised. I’ve now been married to the love of my life for two years. But you know the craziest part? I met him a week after I fully surrendered. I know this isn’t the case for everyone, but I share this story to illustrate this:
There are many seasons in my life where I’ve had to surrender again and again. From jobs to hopes and dreams. This past weekend, my husband mentioned another one.
“Do you feel that your dreams have died?” he asked. Smiling and comforting my arm with a gentle squeeze.
It took me a moment to ponder the question, but the more I did, the more I realized the answer was “yes.” In a sense, it’s been hard not to feel like my dreams have died. Let me be clear, God has been so faithful in this season. Again and again, He’s provided and grown me more than I could ever ask, think, or imagine. But this path to becoming a traditionally published author has caused me to grow weary and faint.
Though I have a wonderful agent and support team rooting for me, seventeen rejections, nearly two years later, sting. To be told that your work is incredible, but you’re not well-known enough, over and over again, tends to knock down your self-esteem. But then I realized this: Just as I needed to surrender my desires to be in a relationship, I needed to surrender my desires to become a traditionally published author.
Because the reality is this: If God doesn’t want me to be traditionally published, I have to be okay with that. I have to trust Him and His timing, knowing He has something better in store. That’s a hard truth to come to terms with. But the more I thought about the facts, the more I realized that I want God (and not me) in charge of my life.