A Note on The Anniversary of My Half Brother’s Overdose

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February 13th, 2024, a piercing phone call struck my ears. It was 3 am and I wondered why anyone in their right mind would be calling me at such wee hours in the morning. That’s when I realized no one was in their right mind because something was terribly and utterly wrong. 

As my husband picked up the phone, my heart started to race. I’d lived these nightmares before we got married and I moved out. Most of my nights were filled with slamming doors, shouts of rage, pacing, bright lights, and cop cars showing up at our home—mainly at the expense of my two half-brother’s affairs in drugs and alcohol. 

By 27, the age at which I got married and moved out, I’d seen my siblings overdose and come back to life dozens of times. I saw their lifeless bodies strewn across couches, lying on the ground, or passed out in cars. The number of times I saw them incarcerated or in rehab programs far surpasses both. But on the morning of February 13th, 2024, the story wasn’t the same. I was used to hearing, “Your brother overdosed and they used Narcan to bring him back.” I wasn’t used to hearing, “Ryan is dead, Amber. There is nothing they can do to bring him back. It’s too late.”

Though a year has now passed since I lost my half-brother, I still find myself attempting to pick up the pieces. Grief has come in waves when I allow it, and I do my best to feel the emotions rather than shove them down. We were never close, but the “could have been” moments often still haunt me. I could have had a healthy relationship with my half-brothers. I wonder what it would have been like to have a safe and trustworthy sibling I could rely on. I think about if they would have been sane. I think about how Ryan could have been a positive presence in my life. 

While I can’t go back and change time, I know that time is starting to heal this wound. Everyone in this life loses someone to death. It’s inevitable with the passing of time and old age. But not everyone loses someone to addiction or overdose—and that kind of death comes with a sting of its own. If you or someone you love has lost someone to a mental illness like drug addiction or substance abuse, might I encourage you of two things?

1. You’re allowed to grieve. 

2. Jesus grieves with you.