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It feels like just yesterday. The day my heart was broken in two, shattered into a million scattered pieces on the floor. My attempts to pick up the fragments were failed attempts. All that did was cause more wounds, more scars. Inches of sliced shards split my soul from my spirit.
I was utterly and deeply lost.
Fourteen years ago, I lost a part of my identity. I no longer knew who I was, what I was made for, or what I was experiencing. When my relationship with my Dad went from best friends to enemies overnight, I was distraught. As my siblings began to delve into more serious and troubling addictions, controlling the food I ate and the way I cared for my body came naturally. The funny thing is, I wasn’t caring for the Temple Christ gave me, I was depriving it to the point of death.
For the next decade, I would watch my once-stable family crumble before my eyes. Slamming doors and horrendous shouts were the soundtrack of my “Christian home.” Teardrop after teardrop was sowed on the wooden oak floors of my bedroom. But the more I clung to the habits that I thought would make me safe, the more unsafe I became.
By twenty-one, I was still living in this unhealthy environment. God freed me of my struggles, but the struggles of those I lived with still surrounded me. I’d found new ways to cope, new ways to eat right and exercise well, but I didn’t know how to help those who were hurting.
How do you have a relationship with someone who is hurting you?
How do you have a relationship with someone who is hurting themselves?
How do I respect my parent, but protect myself from their verbal abuse?
How do I love my brothers, but protect myself from their danger?
How do I see the good in a situation so painfully bad?
These were questions I wrestled with then, and I still wrestle with now. Though I still don’t have all the answers, God has been teaching me over the last decade. He’s been teaching me what it means to love your family, even when they’re hurting you. He’s been teaching me what it means to love myself, so that I may fully love others. He’s been teaching me that what the enemy meant for evil, God can and will use for good. The tragedies I’ve experienced weren’t good, but I’m grateful for a good God who can turn those tragedies into good things.
