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“Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path” (Psalm 119:105, New International Version).
I started Sunday morning off with a downpour. And not just literally but emotionally and figuratively as well.
In my heart, I felt a deep ache. My hands were shaking from the moment I rose, and uneasiness filled my soul. When I looked out the window and saw it was raining, I already knew it would be a long day.
On my drive to Church, I saw the storm coming. Dark clouds brewed in the distance of May skies. I always thought April showers brought May flowers. I guess when you live in Ohio, rain comes any time it well pleases.
Through the downpour, the skies dimmed. A light day became dark at merely 8 in the morning. Peering through my glasses and another shield of glass, I desperately wished my eyes and my windshield had better wipers.
When Darkness Surprises Us
But what I didn’t see coming was three panic attacks on a drive I’ve taken thousands of times. Immediately my mind flashed to the first one I experienced five years ago. My soul was crushed.
Approaching another detour, I couldn’t breathe. It’s hard to drive a car when your heart rate goes from 50 to 160 in a matter of seconds. When somehow your mind and fears manipulate that beating within you to feel a loss of control. Even when you don’t feel you’re thinking at all. Somehow, I was running.
As the road shook before me, so did my hands and body. Trembling, all I could say was “Jesus”. Flipping the AC to cold, and adjusting the radio before me, I set my gaze straight.
“Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.”
I said His name, but I couldn’t take my mind to that place.
All I could think about was being lost on gravel roads I didn’t recognize and wrecking the white car I’d finally taken the time to wash the day before.
By the time I made it to my Church, I was embarrassed and defeated. I thought I was over almost blacking out while driving. I thought I was stronger. I thought my anxiety was getting better even if the depression wasn’t. I suppose I was wrong.
The Threats of Darkness Don’t Always Tell the Truth